The Pick Up Artist

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Why you look lovely tonight. Yes...that's correct...I am your Commander In Chief...know what I mean? I thought you did. You look intelligently dressed. Is that an Anne Tyler? I was just kidding...I knew it was Taylor. I like to tell jokes...know what I mean? I thought you did. By the way, you know I'm the President...right? Right-O. You look smart in that outfit, and I'm kind of a big deal.
Did you see me on TV this morning? Yup...just got back from the Ranch. It's important to take vacations. Last month I had to go to the Mid-East. That's the Middle East for civilians. Gotta protect the oil...know what I mean? Otherwise, my constituents will be knocking at my door. Just kidding...but really, they will be. You see, I'm from Texas. You knew that? I thought you did. That's a smart-looking hat you're wearing.
What's that? What am I doing here? Hey hon...even the Leader of the Free World has to unwind after a long day. Huh? What did I do today? Fightin' terrorists...protecting American interests...you see, the economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It's not as good as we'd like, but-and to the extent that we find weakness, we'll move. Yup...I know that didn't make sense. It's part of my job...to not make sense...sometimes...remember,
I'm protecting American interests.
Can I get you another drink? What is that? A cosmopolitan? You like the Sex in the City...right? You know...the girls...in the city? Lot's of sex, that's funny. No, I've never seen it.
I like Kevin Costner. Did you ever see "The Bodyguard"? Man, I love that movie. Sometimes I pretend I'm protecting Whitney Houston. It really freaks her out. What an actor. And "Waterworld". Trust me. In ten years I'm gonna be on one of those "Waterworld" boats. I already had it made. It's called "Waterworld Boat One"...get it...but I probably won't need it. My buddy, Karl Rove, told me global warming wasn't real. He gets all the chicks, and he's pretty smart. You are too. I hope it's not true. I like them polar bears. Growl...know what I mean? You like animals? I bet you do.
What's that, you have to go? You should stick around. I'll get you another sex in the city. I can give you a ride home. I got a limo. You ever ride in a limo? I'm kind of important, so I get a limo. How about it? Some champagne...I got some Wham in the tape deck. You like Wham? I love Andrew Ridgeley. No...not George Michael...the other one. Andrew Ridgeley. He married Keren Woodward of Bananarama. Andrew Ridgeley.
Yup, those guys are with me...the ones in the suits. I make them wear those sunglasses, even at night. Frank Farmer always wore sunglasses. Who's Frank? That's the name of Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard". Fantastic movie. Should have got the Oscar. Maybe they can still get it. Cheney knows some people. That's right, Dick. Man, he can drink! Talk about putting 'em down! I wonder if he went to Dartmouth? Or maybe Arizona State. Anyways...
Oh...you're leaving. Work tomorrow? What do you do? Really? Let me tell you something hon, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm the President...the Head Honcho...so it's cool, you know what I mean? I thought you did. Your hat is smart-looking, just like you. What was I talking about? Was it the economy? I'm sorry...this Wild Turkey is starting to make me gobble...get it...I like to tell jokes.
Do you need a ride home? Laura? Laura who? Oh Laura! Why, is she here!? She thinks I'm at some Illuminati meeting. Huh? That's funny. You're really funny. Your jokes make me laugh. Your jokes match your eyes. I understand. Well, I hope to see you again sometime. Maybe the next Pro-Life rally or Evangelical Speaking-in-tongues weekend getaway. Sounds good. Good night, good night, parting with you, makes me blue...that's Shakespeare...Bill Shakespeare. No, I'm pretty sure that's how it goes. Good night Miss Anne Tyler.