Grumpy Bottom

You've doomed us all!

2009-04-30T21:09:00.000-04:00

Waiting sucks!

2009-02-06T20:19:00.001-05:00

Tuesday is a long time from now, I'm just discovering...

Science=Funny

2009-01-09T19:27:00.001-05:00

Heaviest Element Known To Science Discovered...

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Priceless

2009-01-05T20:19:00.001-05:00

The Perfect Gift - watch more funny videos

2008-12-26T18:53:00.001-05:00

A Bills fan, a Pats fan and a Colts fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Colts fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Colts fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Bills fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Bills fan out crying like a little girl.

The Pats fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Pats fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Bills fan to my back."

Nerds of the world unite in song!

2008-12-05T10:58:00.000-05:00

COOLEST. NINJA. EVAH!

2008-11-21T19:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is just cooler than anything my juvenile sports loving mind could even come up with. There is a new replacement for Chuck Norris and his name is...well, I don't actually know what his name is but I'm just gonna call him Baseball Ninja!

Side Splitting

2008-10-25T17:15:00.001-04:00

Yeah, 'nuff said. God I love a good fatty fall.

Money growing on trees

2008-10-22T18:53:00.002-04:00

As I sit and read, day after day, about government "bailouts" and "infusions" of money into various industries (today's suggestion of US Automakers being particularly near and dear to my icy heart) I can't help but look to the last significant depression we had in this country. It all started with the UK going off "the gold standard", essentially giving themselves the opportunity to print money, value be damned, to do exactly what we're now doing. This led to panic throughout the banking systems of the world, the implosion of credit markets, and what became (through more "infusions" of cash into markets both abroad and at home) The Great Depression. But I can't help but wonder what is different. We're seeing deflation - which really hasn't been seen since the Depression era across an entire spectrum of our economy. We're also printing money, which will inevitably lead to inflation, which we're all promising to pay back. Now, is it possible the deflation now, during a recession/depression will be offset by inflation when all this money hits the streets? Sure, I guess so. But is it also possible that with the deflation we see now, which leads to "holding cash" as a solution, will turn even uglier when the money hits the streets and our currency becomes almost worthless (see "1980's Japanese economy" for reference)? I just don't get it. And to top it all off, we're LOWERING interest rates. Let me get this straight. The banks claim they don't have enough cash. The government is printing cash to give them. We're lowering interest rates to get the banks to give away more money (this, in theory, is to "stimulate" spending so the economy recovers). Wouldn't it make a LOT more sense to go the way Hungary chose to do today and increase interest rates, so more people invest their cash rather than sitting on it? Wouldn't that then increase the cashflow of banks, allowing them to lend money, at higher rates, to those who truly need it to run businesses while simultaneously stimulating the economy by giving banks a higher return on their "riskier" lending practice (as opposed to the situation now where banks don't want to lend anyone money, even if you're 800+ credit score)? Am I insane, or are all these guys way overthinking Economics 101? Anyone out there have a better insight than me, because everything I read tells me we're doing it 100% the wrong way, and my gut tells me we're doing it because the idiots who got us into this in the first place are pulling all the strings...

I hate Ted Turner

2008-10-18T21:00:00.003-04:00

Never in history has such a douchebag accomplished as much. But tonight was the last straw. How TBS and their knob-gobbler announcers were even eligible for broadcasting the ALCS is beyond me, but how this fucking joke of a network was unable to provide a broadcast feed to the entire world because of a fucking blackout in Atlanta for 30 minutes is probably the biggest joke in the history of sports broadcasting. Ted, seriously, go fuck yourself.

2008-10-16T20:24:00.003-04:00

Let's go Red Sox [clap! clap! clap clap clap!]

Santa Claus Is Dead

2008-10-14T20:58:00.003-04:00

Though I don't support the suffering of children in any way, how can you not laugh at this?

FUCKERS

2008-10-09T21:51:00.005-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081008/ap_on_bi_ge/meltdown_aig

OMGWTFBBQSarahPalin

2008-10-09T12:25:00.002-04:00

The Shift

2008-10-06T21:18:00.000-04:00

Feel useless? Try being a part of something.

If you're going to complain...

2008-10-04T17:35:00.004-04:00

...at least friggin get it right. Today whilst browsing through the plumbing isle at my local big box store, enjoying the savings that only a tanked economy provides, I overheard two fellows of a slightly less than masculine inclination discussing the "bailout"...this was perhaps the 8th or 9th time I overheard a similar conversation:

First angry "man": "You know, if you distributed the 700 Billion to all the people in the US, we'd each have $425,000...how about that for trickle up economics...imagine what you could do with that!?!"
Second angry "man": "I'd pay off my mortgage AND redo my rumpus room!" (yeah, I made up the Rumpus room part)

But here's the problem: the $425,000 number stems from...wait for it...an accountant who started circulating an email during the AIG buyout, working backwards from $85 Billion and using the "every taxpayer in America" divisor. Problem was our math savvy friend was pretty shitty at his profession and missed by a factor of 1000. That's right, he was off by a factor of 1000!!!

Each taxpayer would receive a whopping $425.00 if the AIG bailout money were equally distributed. That's less than the "economic stimulus package" for most people.

The "per taxpayer" breakdown of the new $700 Billion economic stimulus package (depending on whether you use 2007 estimated census numbers or others) is roughly $3250 per taxpayer/household. Now, while I'm not turning up my nose at $3250.00, I'm also not a big fan of the whole bailout either, but for chrissakes people, how about we actually DO OUR OWN MATH before we start spouting off ignorant figures from the hip. After all, wasn't it leaving the math up to other people (hello predatory lenders, unregulated housing appraisals, and hedge funds with no oversight committee) that got us into this in the first place?

Best Commercials Ever

2008-10-04T08:29:00.002-04:00

I truly can't get enough of the Geico Caveman Commercials. In my opinion, they are the funniest series of commercials I have ever seen. Royksopp does the tune for this one. Check out the full video below...they are a seriously great band, worthy of your adoration.

Royksopp- "Remind Me"

2008-10-04T08:27:00.000-04:00

A Fantastic Tune.

Married Life

2008-10-02T22:41:00.000-04:00

I can assure you, drinking heavily wins no matter what the announcers say!

Thank god that's over

2008-10-02T22:34:00.002-04:00

Let's hope whoever wins November 4th has a LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE!

"May I Call You Joe?"

2008-10-02T22:00:00.001-04:00

All I heard was, "Blah, blah, blah...I'm a dirty whore."

New-Cue-Lar

2008-10-02T21:48:00.003-04:00

Talk about more of the same!

That's right folks, the potential #2 in command of the most powerful nation in the world is the female hooked on phonics equivalent of Homer Simpson. Nuclear. "noo-klee-er". Nucular. New-Cue-Lar. God help us all.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-02T18:31:00.003-04:00

Seriously though ladies, we love them too much to lose 'em. Please get checked out often and be safe.

Debate Training - Biden learns what makes girls cry

2008-10-02T18:19:00.003-04:00

Pictures of debate training between Biden and Gov. Granholme. Click through and enjoy!

My eyes are still moist with tears of laughter. Let's hope he has a xanax or something before the debate. Click "read more" below to see the slideshow...well worth the one fingered effort!

read more | digg story

A Word From Nater

2008-10-02T13:25:00.008-04:00

With all the shitty-ass reality television shows that currently hog the "lost-dreams box" we sit in front of every night, manipulating and corroding our minds until we are submissive pop-tarts with no ability to think on our own...(blah, blah, blah....angry, angry, angry)...I give you some great programs. Watch them...love them...Relish the moment.

1. Lost

2. Weeds

3. The Office

4. Pushing Daisies

Dear Lord

2008-10-01T20:45:00.004-04:00

...and deliver us from Evil, for thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory forever. Amen.

Choke is Here

2008-10-01T19:11:00.006-04:00

If you're into dark comedy, this is the flic to see. Straight from the master himself, Chuck Palahniuk, "Choke" is the story of Victor Mancini, a medical-school dropout who has devised an ingenious scam to pay elder care for his Alzheimer's-afflicted mother: he pretends to choke on pieces of food while dining in upscale restaurants. He then allows himself to be "saved" by fellow patrons who, feeling responsible for Victor's life, go on to send checks to support him. When he's not pulling this stunt, Victor cruises sexual addiction recovery workshops for action, visits his addled mom, and spends his days working at a colonial theme park. Bravo to the truly eccentric. A satirical whip-lash.

Good vs. Evil

2008-09-30T22:41:00.002-04:00

I need a "Pat Robertson Protein Shake".
Bill O'Reilly is The Horror.

Why I love the Patriots #4,735

2008-09-30T21:08:00.003-04:00

Because they know how to haze rooks!

The only thing better than making a rookie wear a wristband that says "My Dick Is Tiny Too" is having the Globe take the photo and publish it with the caption “The Patriots are refining Kevin O’Connell’s mechanics, but they believe he has the tools to be a top-flight quarterback.”

Haven't busted a gut yet? For those who didn't catch it in the Sunday edition, the editors then ran an apology reading "Editor’s note: A photo on Page C6 in Sunday’s Sports section showed Patriots rookie quarterback Kevin O’Connell wearing a wristband with inappropriate language written on it. The photo did not meet the Globe’s journalistic standards and should not have been published."

You can't make this shit up. I almost hope KOC ends up somewhere else so I can bring this picture back in 5 years and gloat for having wasted hard drive space for all that time.

The Pick Up Artist

2008-09-30T20:10:00.003-04:00

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Why you look lovely tonight. Yes...that's correct...I am your Commander In Chief...know what I mean? I thought you did. You look intelligently dressed. Is that an Anne Tyler? I was just kidding...I knew it was Taylor. I like to tell jokes...know what I mean? I thought you did. By the way, you know I'm the President...right? Right-O. You look smart in that outfit, and I'm kind of a big deal.
Did you see me on TV this morning? Yup...just got back from the Ranch. It's important to take vacations. Last month I had to go to the Mid-East. That's the Middle East for civilians. Gotta protect the oil...know what I mean? Otherwise, my constituents will be knocking at my door. Just kidding...but really, they will be. You see, I'm from Texas. You knew that? I thought you did. That's a smart-looking hat you're wearing.
What's that? What am I doing here? Hey hon...even the Leader of the Free World has to unwind after a long day. Huh? What did I do today? Fightin' terrorists...protecting American interests...you see, the economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It's not as good as we'd like, but-and to the extent that we find weakness, we'll move. Yup...I know that didn't make sense. It's part of my job...to not make sense...sometimes...remember,
I'm protecting American interests.
Can I get you another drink? What is that? A cosmopolitan? You like the Sex in the City...right? You know...the girls...in the city? Lot's of sex, that's funny. No, I've never seen it.
I like Kevin Costner. Did you ever see "The Bodyguard"? Man, I love that movie. Sometimes I pretend I'm protecting Whitney Houston. It really freaks her out. What an actor. And "Waterworld". Trust me. In ten years I'm gonna be on one of those "Waterworld" boats. I already had it made. It's called "Waterworld Boat One"...get it...but I probably won't need it. My buddy, Karl Rove, told me global warming wasn't real. He gets all the chicks, and he's pretty smart. You are too. I hope it's not true. I like them polar bears. Growl...know what I mean? You like animals? I bet you do.
What's that, you have to go? You should stick around. I'll get you another sex in the city. I can give you a ride home. I got a limo. You ever ride in a limo? I'm kind of important, so I get a limo. How about it? Some champagne...I got some Wham in the tape deck. You like Wham? I love Andrew Ridgeley. No...not George Michael...the other one. Andrew Ridgeley. He married Keren Woodward of Bananarama. Andrew Ridgeley.
Yup, those guys are with me...the ones in the suits. I make them wear those sunglasses, even at night. Frank Farmer always wore sunglasses. Who's Frank? That's the name of Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard". Fantastic movie. Should have got the Oscar. Maybe they can still get it. Cheney knows some people. That's right, Dick. Man, he can drink! Talk about putting 'em down! I wonder if he went to Dartmouth? Or maybe Arizona State. Anyways...
Oh...you're leaving. Work tomorrow? What do you do? Really? Let me tell you something hon, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm the President...the Head Honcho...so it's cool, you know what I mean? I thought you did. Your hat is smart-looking, just like you. What was I talking about? Was it the economy? I'm sorry...this Wild Turkey is starting to make me gobble...get it...I like to tell jokes.
Do you need a ride home? Laura? Laura who? Oh Laura! Why, is she here!? She thinks I'm at some Illuminati meeting. Huh? That's funny. You're really funny. Your jokes make me laugh. Your jokes match your eyes. I understand. Well, I hope to see you again sometime. Maybe the next Pro-Life rally or Evangelical Speaking-in-tongues weekend getaway. Sounds good. Good night, good night, parting with you, makes me blue...that's Shakespeare...Bill Shakespeare. No, I'm pretty sure that's how it goes. Good night Miss Anne Tyler.

Flawless Victory

2008-09-30T18:20:00.002-04:00

Just when you thought grumpy old ladies couldn't get any cooler, this old bat fucking rocks it. The best part is that she looks like she fell asleep in the middle of the road before the asshat honks!

Way cool, or way too much time on his hands?

2008-09-29T18:35:00.003-04:00

I'll leave the judgment to others here...but I'm pretty sure the answer is both. Thank god for a modern society that leaves nerds the extra time to work on shit that the rest of us can pay stupid amounts of money to enjoy but bring us absolutely no real value. Plus it looks straight up badass.

I've never been more proud of my wife!

2008-09-28T14:11:00.004-04:00

OK, so my wife isn't much of a sports fan. In fact, she's pretty much the opposite. But I feel like a proud parent; they just showed a picture of the Manjudas and she instantly says "Mangina" and laughs. I've never said it around her. I've never complained about what a backstabbing overrated piece of lard he is. She just "knew". I'm beaming right now. Seriously. Being a sports husband just doesn't get better than this.

"Red Belt"

2008-09-28T00:15:00.002-04:00

OK, in the ongoing saga of "Best Dramatic Writer/Director Ever", David Mamet has throttled me yet again. If you can, rent it, watch it, enjoy. David Mamet plus Mixed Martial Arts = Best 2 hours I've spent in a long time. Action plus real dialogue and plot, who knew it could happen. This movie flat out fucking rocked it.

Shoes

2008-09-27T23:17:00.003-04:00

Was this made in Germany? That would make more sense. On occasion, I have been made to accompany my significant other in the purchasing of shoes. I would much rather receive a punch on the back of my neck by someone holding a roll of quarters...or perhaps a swift kick at the base of my spine by a disgruntled postal employee wearing golf cleats.

Sarah Palin vs. Kick in the Groin?

2008-09-27T22:36:00.004-04:00

It was a relatively easy decision for me to make.

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008

"A changing environment will affect Alaska more than any other state, because of our location. I'm not one though who would attribute it to being man-made." –Sarah Palin, dismissing global warming as influenced by human activity, Newsmax interview; August 29, 2008

Shaun of the Dead

2008-09-27T22:09:00.004-04:00

During these difficult times, it's always important to remind ourselves that joy can still be found in the world. Here's a sample. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the comedic genius of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Farting Preacher...again

2008-09-27T18:43:00.003-04:00

OK, Farting Preacher is just so funny, I really think I might put him on every day or two. There really isn't anything better than a windbag being mocked.

Wrong and...wrong!

2008-09-27T18:37:00.003-04:00

The only thing worse than being so fat you get stuck in a Lamborghini is being so fat you get stuck in a Lamborghini Replica.

EPIC FAIL

2008-09-27T15:32:00.002-04:00

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? How the fuck is she our "backup plan" if the old bastard gets elected and croaks while he's all hopped up on Viagra banging his hot cougar wife (or hot cougar Vice President for that matter)? This convinced me how people ended up making the Emperor and Vader the ruling body of the universe...they were up against McCain and Palin.

Jesus Wept

Numero Uno (press 1 for Enrish)

2008-09-27T13:49:00.004-04:00

OK Douches and Douchettes, welcome to the inaugural post at GrumpyBottom.com. Here you will find nothing of value to anyone but the authors, so help me God. Ole Nater and myself (and anybody else who wants a platform to shout at at legion of blankly staring lemmings) plan on coming here and using it as a gigantic toilet in which to unload steaming pile after steaming pile of mental diarrhea. So have at it bitches. If you don't like what you see, we're thrilled. If you do, we're a little worried.